Goodbye Sephia

i'll pray that one day we will be strong enough to start things again, both of us and of course for all of us.
so, go & listen to Both of Us- B.o.B ft. Taylor Swift

 The sky looked so dark and dull, just like they were in my position to make decision. I held a long heavy breathe. I sat down on the bench, playing with my fingers thinking what tomorrow might bring. I tried to recall back all memories that we had together; just to check. Yes I still remember them and yet still cherished for them just like it was only happened yesterday. I look up to the sky, try to look out for stars and found nothing. Naked teary sky, I cursing in my head.

Suddenly I begin to feeling lost in my own thought. Somehow it turned into a pathetic sobs. This is not what should be exactly happen. I’m not her second. I’m his first love. I’m not a pathetic secret lover. She fell hard on me at the first place.

For not being able to fit in your family class, I’m truly sorry. For not being able to stay patient with the way they treated me, I’m so sorry. I never fit, never reach the altitude of you. So in the end, I don’t deserve you. No matter how hard I tried, how hard you tried to cheer me up every time I had to receive all the harsh word they throw to me just like I’m an unworthy trash.

Maybe Luhan was right. We shouldn’t fight for us anymore. It’s getting nowhere and actually kills me inside and out. I know how strong your feeling on us, but we shouldn’t be doing this at the first place. I’m not okay! You keep saying “it’s gonna be okay”, but it never seem to happen that ever until the day we’d both die. I really not okay of the sight you being his arm to please your family. I have my pride and there will always a price for loving someone. It is sacrifice.

…

“Sehun!”, a young girl in yellow sneakers scream like her lung are going to throw up. “Sehun! Wait for me”, she said in desperation getting air to enter her lung. “ Yes miss, anything I can help you with?” the guy who’d named Sehun replied with a blank stare through the holes on his eye. “Ohmygod honey, this is not funny. I’ve been searching for you for almost two weeks”, she find her hand way to Sehun’s shoulder. Shaking Sehun’s broad shoulder vigorously she continued “where have you been? You said you never leave me”. “I’m so sorry miss but I still cannot found any sight of you in my memories”, he replied coldly before adding “even the slightest”.  The girl jaw dropped.

“Hahahaha I always love your joke but hey stop it, let’s go home”, the girl reached Sehun’s hand to drag him away with a big grin but being taken aback when Sehun snatched his hand back. The girl gulped hard, her eyes wide open not believing what actually happened just now. Her beautiful smile seems to fading away. “What happen to you?”, she asked with trembling voice. Her face fell off. She looks to fragile now.

“Look miss, I don’t have any idea on what you’re talking right now. Believe me, you look super-pathetic right now”, he said leaving the girl in agape. “I’m in such a hurry so please get out from my way”, he sneered the girl and just walk away. “Sehun, I’m here!” another girl approached him from across the road. “Oh hey Lara, come on we’re late!”, Sehun smiled brightly and open his arm for the ‘just-arrived’ blonde girl that come out of nowhere. The girl hugged Sehun and gives a light peck on Sehun’s cheek. “Er why is the girl looking at us?”, Lara shoot a suspicious girl behind them who look lost, wandering in her own thought. “No I don’t know her, she just came to me saying weird thing”, Sehun replied. “Crazy maybe”, Lara said with annoying and loud giggle. “She seems so, let’s go. Let her be”, Sehun patted Lara’s head and chuckled. They walk together; keep on bluffing and laughing along the road. In the end of the empty road, his eyes glance a little to look at the little frozen girl with a dull looks.

The unmoved girl still stood still, frozen-like. Time seems to be stopped at the time. Giving her some space to digest, her worst nightmare.

…

She stayed that way for almost 3 hours, her legs shaking vigorously as she tried to fight the cold that has been soaked into her. It’s been raining for maybe 2 hours non-stop. Her lips parted away and trembled so bad. She looks awful. She has been smashed into small pieces, she lost the grip of being herself. As she felt so hot and sick, she lied on the jogging track helplessly. Keep wishing that she could wake up from this bad dream.

I miss you, I miss your shadow, I miss your smell, I miss your arms, I miss your hug, I miss your warmth breathe brushing against my neck, I miss your gentle smile, I miss to listen to your heartbeat, I miss to see you stay, I miss to see you giggles, I miss your low voices, I miss your bed-hair, I miss to see you woke up beside me every morning, I miss your unfunny jokes, I miss the way you stroked my hair, I miss the way our hand tangled up, I miss the way you teased me, I miss the moment you look only at me, I miss you hoarse voice, I miss your hand making circle behind my back, I miss your naughty evil stare. I don’t know anything else; I just missed you   … a lot.

She stay that way till dawn comes show the sun peeking up to rise, bringing new hopes and life to peoples.

…

“Sehun, looks!”, a loud voice barked staining the peaceful morning. Sehun looks at me with disgusted stare and then looked away. It’s not him that I knew anymore. 14 years of love all gone wasted. I really want to die now, right now. I somehow felt so weak and sore up. I’m just tired and I want to stop everything right now. Putting a pause on my life, I closed my eyes slowly.

“Sehun! We should help her”, I still can heard a woman yelling but everything seems so blurred to me. “No, we don’t have to butt in. it’s just her being stupid”, I know it Sehun’s voice. It his scent. He’s here. No I mean, he was here. The scent is getting fading away from me. And I just feel hopeless and dying. I felt the warmth of sun as it rises, I smiled. I used to woke up him in his embrace on this kind of morning.

I heard such a commotion surround me, suffocating me and I felt some unfamiliar touch on my skin. And I just felt like I’m flying.

…

“Sehun, it looks like you really love the song. What song was that?” Lara pointed at my iPhone. “Ah, its an old song called Sephia”, I replied gently. “Oh, I keep wondering because you really cannot stop singing that, wont you?”, Lara nudge me earning me a smile. “ I won’t. I will remember this song till the day I’d die”, I said slowly. “Woah, there must be a story behind this”, she muttered slowly while typing something on her phone. “It’s about a girl that I loved so much”, I muttered slowly under my weary breathe. “What, I can’t hear you?”, she look at me. “ Ah no, nothing. I said I will go to sleep first. Bye good girl Lara”,  I waved at her.

I lied on my bed, staring at the ceiling like it is the most interesting thing in the world. As I try to closed my eyes, the scene of Phia lying on the ground come to me and keep on repeating. All the guilty that has already suffocates me and makes my surrounding feel heavier. I try to ignore the nuisance that come from my ugly heart, but I just found myself sweeping the tears on my hot cheeks. Pity me, pathetic me.

I can live without her but a part of me still hasn’t left her heart yet. I live better without the sight of her, but I keep wandering what she is doing. I live happily without her, but I still feel the incomplete side of my heart. I don’t think that I’ve regret that I leaved her, but I still recalling our moment when we were together even the smallest part of memories. I just hurting myself without me realizing them.

…

I walked with my eyes eager finding any empty seat on the bus. It already half-filled with human butt. But still, it’s not very noisy and havoc. I let out a relief sigh. My eyes soon landed on the empty seat near the window. I sat down and pulled out my favourite earphone. I used to listen to the radio usually at this hour, dedication hour. It’s where people dedicate song to their loved one. I don’t know since when I loved to hear crappy love stories but I know that I just lonely and I need love, just like everyone else does.

“Alright everone,so hows your afternoon? I’m your beloved deejay Tori, I wish you’ve had such a bright and lovely day today. There is a very famous quote from John Green that I like about life; “you don't remember what happened, what you remember becomes what happened”. So for any couple that just had into a fight, how about the rethink again of what had just happened. For those who have something to say to someone but have no gut to tell them, I believe you will regret the words that you’ve left unsaid until the day that you die. So here, this dedication hour that we’ve made for you just to make things right. It maybe too late, and some of our beautiful moments in our life seems to disappear but it’s never wrong to try. Some of us might missing someone but has being left by the train of time, we bring new train for you to catch up some of your wasted journey. This program somehow sounds lame and boring, but still we will wait you patiently with a chance in our hands. So good luck everyone, we will proceed with Taylor Swift song, Clean.”

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning,

That’s when I could finally breathe.

And by morning, gone was any trace of you,

I think I am finally clean.

I smiled as I listened to the song, it’s just too beautiful how my complicated feeling are delivered into the words of song made by someone who are just unrelated to me. I started to see things big and clear, we live in this big world, separated by big annoying gap called distance but still we all just the same brand of human and some of us do share some same stories.

“Alright, we now have our first message in our inbox, ahh it’s from unluckyman94. Simple short message to a girl; Sephia Arissa”

“Hi Phia, how are you doing? It’s been so many years and I’ve been growing up getting old and dull day by day. I just missed you since the day I’d let you go. I know its hurt so bad but I’ll be forgotten in the matter of time. It still sad to not getting your call in the early morning, it’s just sad. I still couldn’t believe how we let this go. Sorry for letting my words for you keep hidden for years. Sorry that those beautiful words I left unsaid. This time I will really leave you as I will find my own happiness. Maybe it’s time to let it go, maybe right now just wrong time for us. Let's meet again in another world where we can be together, forever. Live well, babygirl.”

“Ouch, this is just a tear-worthy letter. I hope that Sephia able to hear this and be at calm after listening the requested song, Sephia by Sheila On 7”

Hey, Sephia

Malam ini ku takkan datang

Mencoba tuk berpaling sayang dari cintamu

Hey, Sephia

Malam ini ku takkan pulang

Tak usah kau mencari aku, demi cintamu

Hadapilah ini

Kisah kita takkan abadi

Reff

Slamat tidur kekasih gelapku oh Sephia…

Smoga cepat kau lupakan aku

Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup

untuk melupakanmu

Slamat tinggal kasih tak terungkap oh Sephia…

Smoga kau lupakan aku cepat

Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup

untuk meninggalkanmu

Hey, Sephia

Jangan pernah panggil namaku

Bila kita bertemu lagi di lain hari

Hadapilah ini

Kisah kita takkan abadi

...

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt"-The Fault In Our Stars

Selamat hari raya Sephia dan para Sephia yang lain XD.