Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Goodbye Sephia

i'll pray that one day we will be strong enough to start things again, both of us and of course for all of us.
so, go & listen to Both of Us- B.o.B ft. Taylor Swift
 The sky looked so dark and dull, just like they were in my position to make decision. I held a long heavy breathe. I sat down on the bench, playing with my fingers thinking what tomorrow might bring. I tried to recall back all memories that we had together; just to check. Yes I still remember them and yet still cherished for them just like it was only happened yesterday. I look up to the sky, try to look out for stars and found nothing. Naked teary sky, I cursing in my head.

Suddenly I begin to feeling lost in my own thought. Somehow it turned into a pathetic sobs. This is not what should be exactly happen. I’m not her second. I’m his first love. I’m not a pathetic secret lover. She fell hard on me at the first place.

For not being able to fit in your family class, I’m truly sorry. For not being able to stay patient with the way they treated me, I’m so sorry. I never fit, never reach the altitude of you. So in the end, I don’t deserve you. No matter how hard I tried, how hard you tried to cheer me up every time I had to receive all the harsh word they throw to me just like I’m an unworthy trash.

Maybe Luhan was right. We shouldn’t fight for us anymore. It’s getting nowhere and actually kills me inside and out. I know how strong your feeling on us, but we shouldn’t be doing this at the first place. I’m not okay! You keep saying “it’s gonna be okay”, but it never seem to happen that ever until the day we’d both die. I really not okay of the sight you being his arm to please your family. I have my pride and there will always a price for loving someone. It is sacrifice.

“Sehun!”, a young girl in yellow sneakers scream like her lung are going to throw up. “Sehun! Wait for me”, she said in desperation getting air to enter her lung. “ Yes miss, anything I can help you with?” the guy who’d named Sehun replied with a blank stare through the holes on his eye. “Ohmygod honey, this is not funny. I’ve been searching for you for almost two weeks”, she find her hand way to Sehun’s shoulder. Shaking Sehun’s broad shoulder vigorously she continued “where have you been? You said you never leave me”. “I’m so sorry miss but I still cannot found any sight of you in my memories”, he replied coldly before adding “even the slightest”.  The girl jaw dropped.

“Hahahaha I always love your joke but hey stop it, let’s go home”, the girl reached Sehun’s hand to drag him away with a big grin but being taken aback when Sehun snatched his hand back. The girl gulped hard, her eyes wide open not believing what actually happened just now. Her beautiful smile seems to fading away. “What happen to you?”, she asked with trembling voice. Her face fell off. She looks to fragile now.

“Look miss, I don’t have any idea on what you’re talking right now. Believe me, you look super-pathetic right now”, he said leaving the girl in agape. “I’m in such a hurry so please get out from my way”, he sneered the girl and just walk away. “Sehun, I’m here!” another girl approached him from across the road. “Oh hey Lara, come on we’re late!”, Sehun smiled brightly and open his arm for the ‘just-arrived’ blonde girl that come out of nowhere. The girl hugged Sehun and gives a light peck on Sehun’s cheek. “Er why is the girl looking at us?”, Lara shoot a suspicious girl behind them who look lost, wandering in her own thought. “No I don’t know her, she just came to me saying weird thing”, Sehun replied. “Crazy maybe”, Lara said with annoying and loud giggle. “She seems so, let’s go. Let her be”, Sehun patted Lara’s head and chuckled. They walk together; keep on bluffing and laughing along the road. In the end of the empty road, his eyes glance a little to look at the little frozen girl with a dull looks.

The unmoved girl still stood still, frozen-like. Time seems to be stopped at the time. Giving her some space to digest, her worst nightmare.

She stayed that way for almost 3 hours, her legs shaking vigorously as she tried to fight the cold that has been soaked into her. It’s been raining for maybe 2 hours non-stop. Her lips parted away and trembled so bad. She looks awful. She has been smashed into small pieces, she lost the grip of being herself. As she felt so hot and sick, she lied on the jogging track helplessly. Keep wishing that she could wake up from this bad dream.

I miss you, I miss your shadow, I miss your smell, I miss your arms, I miss your hug, I miss your warmth breathe brushing against my neck, I miss your gentle smile, I miss to listen to your heartbeat, I miss to see you stay, I miss to see you giggles, I miss your low voices, I miss your bed-hair, I miss to see you woke up beside me every morning, I miss your unfunny jokes, I miss the way you stroked my hair, I miss the way our hand tangled up, I miss the way you teased me, I miss the moment you look only at me, I miss you hoarse voice, I miss your hand making circle behind my back, I miss your naughty evil stare. I don’t know anything else; I just missed you   … a lot.

She stay that way till dawn comes show the sun peeking up to rise, bringing new hopes and life to peoples.

“Sehun, looks!”, a loud voice barked staining the peaceful morning. Sehun looks at me with disgusted stare and then looked away. It’s not him that I knew anymore. 14 years of love all gone wasted. I really want to die now, right now. I somehow felt so weak and sore up. I’m just tired and I want to stop everything right now. Putting a pause on my life, I closed my eyes slowly.

“Sehun! We should help her”, I still can heard a woman yelling but everything seems so blurred to me. “No, we don’t have to butt in. it’s just her being stupid”, I know it Sehun’s voice. It his scent. He’s here. No I mean, he was here. The scent is getting fading away from me. And I just feel hopeless and dying. I felt the warmth of sun as it rises, I smiled. I used to woke up him in his embrace on this kind of morning.

I heard such a commotion surround me, suffocating me and I felt some unfamiliar touch on my skin. And I just felt like I’m flying.

“Sehun, it looks like you really love the song. What song was that?” Lara pointed at my iPhone. “Ah, its an old song called Sephia”, I replied gently. “Oh, I keep wondering because you really cannot stop singing that, wont you?”, Lara nudge me earning me a smile. “ I won’t. I will remember this song till the day I’d die”, I said slowly. “Woah, there must be a story behind this”, she muttered slowly while typing something on her phone. “It’s about a girl that I loved so much”, I muttered slowly under my weary breathe. “What, I can’t hear you?”, she look at me. “ Ah no, nothing. I said I will go to sleep first. Bye good girl Lara”,  I waved at her.

I lied on my bed, staring at the ceiling like it is the most interesting thing in the world. As I try to closed my eyes, the scene of Phia lying on the ground come to me and keep on repeating. All the guilty that has already suffocates me and makes my surrounding feel heavier. I try to ignore the nuisance that come from my ugly heart, but I just found myself sweeping the tears on my hot cheeks. Pity me, pathetic me.

I can live without her but a part of me still hasn’t left her heart yet. I live better without the sight of her, but I keep wandering what she is doing. I live happily without her, but I still feel the incomplete side of my heart. I don’t think that I’ve regret that I leaved her, but I still recalling our moment when we were together even the smallest part of memories. I just hurting myself without me realizing them.

I walked with my eyes eager finding any empty seat on the bus. It already half-filled with human butt. But still, it’s not very noisy and havoc. I let out a relief sigh. My eyes soon landed on the empty seat near the window. I sat down and pulled out my favourite earphone. I used to listen to the radio usually at this hour, dedication hour. It’s where people dedicate song to their loved one. I don’t know since when I loved to hear crappy love stories but I know that I just lonely and I need love, just like everyone else does.

“Alright everone,so hows your afternoon? I’m your beloved deejay Tori, I wish you’ve had such a bright and lovely day today. There is a very famous quote from John Green that I like about life; “you don't remember what happened, what you remember becomes what happened”. So for any couple that just had into a fight, how about the rethink again of what had just happened. For those who have something to say to someone but have no gut to tell them, I believe you will regret the words that you’ve left unsaid until the day that you die. So here, this dedication hour that we’ve made for you just to make things right. It maybe too late, and some of our beautiful moments in our life seems to disappear but it’s never wrong to try. Some of us might missing someone but has being left by the train of time, we bring new train for you to catch up some of your wasted journey. This program somehow sounds lame and boring, but still we will wait you patiently with a chance in our hands. So good luck everyone, we will proceed with Taylor Swift song, Clean.”

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning,
That’s when I could finally breathe.

And by morning, gone was any trace of you,
I think I am finally clean.

I smiled as I listened to the song, it’s just too beautiful how my complicated feeling are delivered into the words of song made by someone who are just unrelated to me. I started to see things big and clear, we live in this big world, separated by big annoying gap called distance but still we all just the same brand of human and some of us do share some same stories.

“Alright, we now have our first message in our inbox, ahh it’s from unluckyman94. Simple short message to a girl; Sephia Arissa”

“Hi Phia, how are you doing? It’s been so many years and I’ve been growing up getting old and dull day by day. I just missed you since the day I’d let you go. I know its hurt so bad but I’ll be forgotten in the matter of time. It still sad to not getting your call in the early morning, it’s just sad. I still couldn’t believe how we let this go. Sorry for letting my words for you keep hidden for years. Sorry that those beautiful words I left unsaid. This time I will really leave you as I will find my own happiness. Maybe it’s time to let it go, maybe right now just wrong time for us. Let's meet again in another world where we can be together, forever. Live well, babygirl.”

“Ouch, this is just a tear-worthy letter. I hope that Sephia able to hear this and be at calm after listening the requested song, Sephia by Sheila On 7”

Hey, Sephia
Malam ini ku takkan datang
Mencoba tuk berpaling sayang dari cintamu
Hey, Sephia
Malam ini ku takkan pulang
Tak usah kau mencari aku, demi cintamu

Hadapilah ini
Kisah kita takkan abadi

Slamat tidur kekasih gelapku oh Sephia…
Smoga cepat kau lupakan aku
Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup
untuk melupakanmu
Slamat tinggal kasih tak terungkap oh Sephia…
Smoga kau lupakan aku cepat
Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup
untuk meninggalkanmu

Hey, Sephia
Jangan pernah panggil namaku
Bila kita bertemu lagi di lain hari

Hadapilah ini
Kisah kita takkan abadi


"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt"-The Fault In Our Stars

Selamat hari raya Sephia dan para Sephia yang lain XD. 

Tuesday, 9 June 2015

When did you started to be really afraid?

When did you started to be really afraid?

You’re afraid of the imaginary monster chasing behind
Scared you to death that you run out of breathe 

Run –
Sometimes you had the thought of
stopping and let the monster eat you fresh alive
From outside tearing apart
And inside it goes, eating the decomposed heart and soul
rotten thought and brain mold

The stagnant blood river
Maybe it’s all what will people found
Because it’s all what will left

Friday, 17 April 2015

Awak, semoga bahagia milik kita.

Awak, tak apalah kalau kita tak kaya. Nanti kita cari rezeki yang halal sama-sama. Sederhana pun cukup bagi saya.

Awak, tak apalah kerja biasa-biasa. Janji tiap malam awak ada di sisi saya. Itu pun cukup bagi saya untuk kita luangkan masa bersama-sama.

Awak, tak apa belajar bagus-bagus. Masa depan cerah. Tapi, nanti peluang awak jumpa orang yang berpendidikan tinggi, banyak pilihan lagi.

Mungkin, sekarang kita bersama atas semua kekurangan. Dan, nanti awak lupakan saya setelah berjaya. Manusia selalu lupa bila berharta benda.

Untuk suatu masa nanti, bila awak cari saya, saya masih orang yang sama. Awak minta maaf, saya maafkan. Awak menangis, saya seka airmata.

Awak minta maaf, awak tinggalkan saya dan awak dah berubah. Saya jawab tak apa. Kasih dan sayang boleh berubah. Kita manusia terkadang lupa.

Awak beritahu saya, awak nak hidup dengan saya. Saya terima, walau masa lepas awak dah banyak sakitkan hati saya.

Awak tanya kenapa tak halang awak dulu. Saya jawab, saya tak minta awak pergi. Awak yang sendirinya melangkah pergi tanpa menoleh lagi.

Hari perkahwinan kita biasa-biasa. Belah awak, meriah sekali. Awak cakap pada saya, "awak nak apa semua saya bagi." Saya tersenyum sahaja.

Dan tanya lagi, "kenapa awak tak pernah minta apa-apa dari saya? Hadiah dan sebagainya?" Saya jawab, tak apa semua itu saya boleh usaha.

Lalu awak ucap, "terima kasih kerana ada" saya jawab, "sama-sama kerana telah kembali pada saya."

Sekian cerita pendek dari saya. Salam jumaat semua.

Thursday, 19 March 2015

Wahai kawan.

Hai kawan. Apa khabar?

Pejam celik, pejam celik dah hampir tiga tahun kita semua berkenalan dan belajar kat sini (mana-mana universiti awam atau swasta). Masa mula-mula kenal, ada yang berpasangan sama ada pakwe atau makwe. Namun, ada juga yang tak pernah bercinta malah ada yang langsung tak pernah terfikir untuk bercinta. Masing-masing dengan cerita masing-masing.

Begitu juga ceritanya dengan aku. Awal-awal aku dah set tak nak bercinta sebab tak nak fokus untuk belajar terpesong la (konon). Tapi nafsu remaja membuak-buak woi bila masuk universiti. Maklumlah makwe yang entah dari mana tiba-tiba boleh wujud kat tempat belajar. Mulalah rasa nak bercinta jugak.

Runtuh tugu imanku, sayang.

Aku sebenarnya tak reti nak tulis deep sangat. Dan aku tulis ni bukan nak cerita pasal aku. Tapi nak cerita tentang kita semua iaitu kawan.

Sudah tentu aku berkawan lebih ramai dan rapat dengan lelaki in real life berbanding perempuan. Hal ini demikian kerana ego atau perasaan malu serta rendah diri yang ada dalam diri ini (mungkin tipu). Kalau perempuan aku lebih menggunakan pendekatan laman sosial. Tapi memang seronoklah berkawan dengan kawan-kawan kita sebab masing-masing perangai macam orang gila pun ada kan? Tak kira lelaki atau perempuan, pengkid atau pondan, gay atau lesbo, masing-masing tetap ada kegilaan dan unik. Walaupun gila-gila tapi hati mekar berbunga.

Perkara biasa bila sebut pasal berkawan dalam kalangan pelajar universiti ni memang tak lari dan mesti ada walau sekelumit perasaan untuk bercinta sesama kawan sekelas, betul atau tidak? Bagi aku betul, berdasarkan pengalaman yang dilalui. Maka bermulalah drama cinta sang dara dan teruna memadu cinta yang mula mekar bersaksikan kawan-kawan sekelas yang lain. Susah untuk menipu kalau cinta kampus kerana pada akhirnya akan terbongkar juga hubungan tersebut. Kalau tak terbongkar pun mesti ada ‘detektif’ yang menyiasat lalu membongkarkan. Memang tak boleh lari.

Selain itu, ada juga yang bercinta atas dasar rekomen dan galakan dari kawan-kawan. Kategori ni aku susah sikit nak definisi sebagai aktiviti yang baik atau buruk. Orang yang memang tak tahu menahu tentang percintaan seperti dipaksa untuk bercinta. Ibarat mak bapak yang dah aturkan perkahwinan anak mereka. Tapi atas dasar galakan tadi, maka bercintalah dua insan tersebut atas pengaruh dan rekomen kawan-kawan. Ibarat kahwin dahulu baru bercinta kerana mak bapak yang paksa.

Akhir sekali, aku nak juga sentuh pasal percintaan yang telah merenggangkan hubungan sesama kawan. Mengikut pemerhatian aku dan mungkin anda juga perasan, kawan-kawan yang bercinta ini akan lebih mengutamakan pasangan mereka berbanding kita yang terlebih dahulu mengenali mereka. Mungkin isi ini berbaur kekecewaan tetapi harus diakui kebenarannya. HAHA Bagi aku, kalau pasangan mereka yang betul-betul memberi motivasi dan semangat untuk mereka belajar memang aku tak kisah. Tapi kalau sampai pasangan mereka yang mengawal tingkah laku mereka sehingga nak ajak lepak sekaki pun payah, memang parah dah.

Jadi, aku nak pesan kepada diri aku sendiri. Bercinta biarlah berpada-pada kalau masa belajar ni sebab ada banyak kerja lagi kena buat. Untuk peringatan aku sendiri jugak, masa bercinta memang tak boleh nak lari dari ego dan hipokrit terhadap diri sendiri.

Sekian, dari kawan untuk kawan.

Sunday, 8 March 2015

Kita semua rasa.

Losing =  emptiness

Apabila kau hilang someone yang kau sayang, mesti akan ada sekelompok manusia yang hidup sekeliling kau berteriak umpama mereka faham apa yang kau rasa. Time tu juga tiba-tiba muncul manusia yang  berteriak lantang seolah-olah mereka tahu kau ni jenis orang yang macam mana, dan tahu strategi yang kau akan guna untuk settle semuanya.

Tetapi, dalam kelantangan mereka berkata umpama mereka peduli tentang semua benda. Tak ada seorang pun yang jujur dengan kau, bukan tipu, cuma tak jujur. Percayalah, dan aku rasa kau sendiri pun tahu. Tak ada seorang manusia pun yang betul-betul faham perasaan kau, yang tahu keadaan kau bila kau melepet kesepian dekat rumah sensorang, yang peduli bila kau terlentang atas katil meratap langit yang terbentang, tak ada siapa tahu macam mana duka lara kau rasa bila kau menangis menjerit sensorang.

Kau ingat mereka peduli?

Tak ada siapa peduli.

Aku pasti.

Mati hati ni sebenarnya lebih kurang je dengan mati jiwa. Cuma bila mati hati, kau masih diberi peluang untuk teruskan hidup dan bina segalanya semula, itu bezanya.

Bila kehilangan, mesti akan ada proses pembentukan semula. Mencari semangat untuk bangun dengan gagah memapah segala kudrat dan kehendak yang ada untuk mengutip sisa-sisa cebisan yang berderai. Memang makan masa, ada yang mengambil masa dua tiga minggu, ada juga yang berbulan-bulan dan bertahun lamanya. Bila dah lepas stage meratap, bila kekuatan dah ada dan segala kudrat dah dihimpun bersama. Kau sendiri akan bangun tersenyum dan merasa sebenarnya dunia ni tak ada lah sekejam mana yang kau, aku, dan kita semua sangka. Tetapi, nanti, akan ada benda yang mendorong kau mengenang kenangan lama.

Aku pasti, pasti ada.

Kau fikir kau dah terima rasa kehilangan tu, tapi satu benda jadi.


Umpama magis, sekelip mata sahaja.

Buat kau rasa kau kehilangan benda yang sama. Sama macam dulu yang kau rasa.

Ramai orang percaya bilamana kita dah berjaya lompat keluar dari satu dimensi yang penuh kesedihan kita dah berjaya lari dari luka lama. Sebab apa? Sebab orang kata,

“Kenapa nak ingat luka lama, bila yang suka dah ada depan mata?”.

Tetapi kita lupa, tiap yang terbuka tu perlu ditutup semula. Kau takkan mampu baiki semua luka dalam satu masa. Macam mana kau belajar menjadi manusia dari sekecil bayi sampai sebesar hari ini, macam itu juga lah kau perlu bangun dan belajar memperbaiki hati. Langkah demi langkah. Kau takkan berjaya tutup semua luka bila dah ada suka depan mata, tapi kau akan kutip satu persatu cebisan jiwa yang kau hilang dan cantumkan semula bila tiba masa.

Kau akan rasa mati hati berkali-kali, tapi sakit tu kau akan rasa berkurang sedikit demi sedikit saban hari.

Suka dan duka tu sebenarnya satu benda yang saling berkait, kau takkan dapat salah satu tapi kau akan rasa dua-duanya sekali. Kau nak suka? Kau kenalah rasa dukanya. Tapi ingatlah, bilamana kau cuba tempuh saat kehilangan jangan cuba berlagak seperti kau dah cukup kuat untuk hadap semua sakit tetapi cuba belajar untuk kuatkan hati. Set kan minda kau sendiri yang mana bila orang yang kau sayang mati dalam jiwa, tak semua benda dalam dunia ni mati bersama dia. 

Menangislah semahunya, meratap lah bagai gila dan ambil masa seberapa lama mana pun yang kau ada. Fikirlah, dalam kau menangis cuba berusaha membaik pulihkan jiwa dan keadaan, akan ada manusia lain dalam masa yang sama yang sedang tersungkur terjelepuk jatuh dan menahan kesakitan sebab kehilangan.

Dalam menempuh hari yang mendatang, pasti akan ada hari kau hilang orang yang kau sayang, kau patah hati. Kau kena tahu yang kau takkan mampu lenyapkan semua luka dalam kotak masa yang kau ada sebab kau cuma manusia biasa. Kau bukan adiwira. Kau tak ada superpower.

Semua yang jadi, bersebab. Kau takkan dapat jawapan terus menerus kepada setiap persoalan. Cuma simpan rasa percaya, dan jaya tu akan datang sendirinya. Dunia takkan bentangkan semua dan suap kau dengan jawapan kepada soalan yang kau hamburkan, tetapi dunia akan mengajar kau cara untuk mencari tiap langkah kepada jawapan.

Dunia tak kejam macam yang kita sangka.

Mungkin dalam tiap kemanisan, pasti ada kelukaan.

Tetapi jangan lupa, dalam luka tak mustahil ada manisnya.

Thursday, 5 March 2015

Aku di Sudut Belakang

Jauh di belakang, di sudut yang mungkin ada manusia tidak langsung tahu kehadiran aku. Aku melihat segala perilaku kamu. Ketawa. Bergurau senda. Bercerita tentang indahnya hidup kamu. Tentang segalanya yang membawa ketenangan. Kamu lebih segar begitu barangkali.

Aku terus perhati. Sama ada kamu sudah lupa atau tidak, aku pernah berada di depan kamu sebelum aku terperosok di belakang ini. Mungkin orang lain tidak pernah tahu ataupun mahu tahu apa yang telah berlaku. Tapi, aku tahu kamu pernah menjeling aku di belakang. 

Percayalah, sejarah telah terlakar walau pahit yang telah kita tempa. Aku pernah ada untuk kamu dan kamu juga pernah ada untuk aku. Masing-masing seperti saling perlu ketika itu. Gelak. Ketawa. Malah kau pernah mengajar aku perihal tangisan.
"Menangislah kerana kuat dan cekal, bukan menangis kerana keseorangan," kata kamu. Ya, aku sebenarnya tidak lagi cuba untuk menangis selepas aku undur dan duduk di belakang ini. Kerana aku tiada sebab untuk menangis setelah kamu lenyap ketika mata aku masih jaga. Mungkin aku sedikit terleka membiarkan kamu mencipta bahagia yang mungkin tidak pernah aku ajarkan. Jadi, apa-apa pun yang telah berlaku, sedang berlaku dan akan berlaku maka aku terus berada di belakang ini. Kalau kamu berasa ingin berehat daripada berada di hadapan, maka ketahuilah yang aku ada di sudut belakang, yang mungkin kamu rindu.

Sudut ini mungkin sempit, tapi hanya ada aku. Mungkin kamu juga, kelak.

Thursday, 22 January 2015

Berita Terkini

 Kami mahu awak, menulis untuk kami!

 Jumpa di sana guys!

 Tawaran sehingga 31 Januari 2015!!

Untuk keselesaan dan kemesraan korang bersama.