confession #24

" Oh no lah. We're just friends. " I have to gather all my strength to force this sentence out of my mouth. I can hear a soft cracking sound inside of me.

These unsaid words that I choose to keep, might be the reason why things between us were left hanging, unanswered. But I can't help it, because I'm losing hope. How can I have the thoughts of competing against her? I'm not her. I can never be her. I can see the way you smile and the way your eyes twinkling whenever you talk about her. The soft, smooth sway of your voice when you mentioned her name. I can never beat that.

For a while, I am convinced that maybe, things like this happens daily. People fall in love, and people fall out of love. We just need time and luck to be on our side. These wounds will heal, and memories will fade. I will be okay, eventually. It has been quite some time now. I've met new people but still, none of them have that electrifying shock, the one that you own. That special touch and lovely crinkles. And they say if you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders. 

It's you. You are my wonderland.

I told myself that I'm okay with this, whatever this situation we put ourselves in, and put a strong face as I live up my days. Yet, why these tears keep on streaming down my face when I see your picture with her? Can you explain all of those sickening thoughts of what-ifs and make-believe that exist in my head?

 Is this the way we're supposed to be? You're going out with her, and I'm with him. Are you happy now? I'm hoping that you are. I guess we are moving on. I guess this is life, and we're supposed to leave things behind. But I cannot lie. What had happened between us, it haunts me. And all those sleepless night where I caught myself thinking that perhaps, in some other alternate universe, things might be different.

Or maybe not.

Because I knew it, deep down in my heart, that even if everything in this world conspire together to make things happen between us, it wouldn't work. Who would love to fall in love with such an ugly duckling? A duck that can't even quack. For I am a creep. I am a black sheep, and I guess a weird potato like me will never win your human heart.

If I were you, I wouldn't fall for me too.