Monday, 20 May 2013

So, how are you?

Hi, this would've been the first in many years that I would talk about you. Or write in this case. I had it all drafted in my mind just now, but hey, I like how I would write about you as if this is a letter - never meant to be send but still a letter an open one at that so that when you stumble upon this I still could defend myself that this is not for you, no definitely not you. 

Hah, see I'm still that egoistical difficult girl you knew back then. Do you remember, few years back when I was that bitter girl, more bitter than Taylor Swift & Adele altogether combined - writing multiple angry rants about you on my Facebook and blog and even an out-of-character jiwang essay that I sent to Terfaktab and hey look at where that lands me now. Here, still writing about you; which I find ironic and ridiculous.

Those were the times where I felt that every pop songs, movies heck even weather was related to how I felt. Good old days.

I still didn't know how I managed not to cry at all and turned it into an unlimited supply of anger. Rereading my posts about you, it made me want to slam my head into the nearest table or wall (but I won't cause I love myself too much to do that) because it was very immature and stupid of me. For that, I am going to apologize. From the deepest darkest pit of my heart; I'm sorry.

Every year after that happened, during June to October (cause you'll be back home for summer), I would actually made the effort NOT to go anywhere you probably would because I don't want to see your face (cause I might just make a scene and throw things at you because I was so so so mad). But since it was me and I have the worst luck; you happened to be my bestfriend's neighbour so I saw you once. I ducked my head in the car, screamed a little and tried my best to hide from your view, thinking back it was still stupid (cause you obviously saw me and I still didn't have the nerve to throw things at you).

Buuuut, this upcoming June if you see me, do say hi. Cause I'm not going to hide and scream anymore, I won't be thinking of throwing things at you anymore - I can finally say that I'm okay. If you ask me how I am doing, I would say that "I'm fine, thank you and you?" and I would mean it.  I would go to my bestfriend's house this Raya and not try to hide myself like I always did because I am finally okay. If I do see you again, I would ask "How's life? Are you doing okay? Have you seen my latest work? " Because like they said, time goes too fast for me to stand still, to be static. 

I used to think that I won't find someone that I deemed 'perfect' as you. But now, that's changed - I still haven't met anyone I like as much but I like my life as it is right now, seeing things from a new perspective and all. I used to stay up to chat with you, but now I'm finding myself fine starting my days without the need to bitch it all back to you. There’s always Twitter for that anyway hah.

I used to want my memories of you erased like Kate Winslet did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but now the dark memories of you go to the back seat of my spotless mind. I'm pretty busy these days, and if memories of you crept back; I would laugh because the sheer ridiculousness of it all and not because I am still mad.

So, if you see me this June, do come up and say hi, how are you because I would give you my brightest smile (not going to hide, not going to scream, not going to throw things) saying "I'm fine, thank you and you?" But, this open letter is not meant for you. Not you. Definitely not you ;D


Anonymous said... long you takes time to be okay like this?

nina marina marinot said...

that's the advantage of being a writer, i must say. :D

n. ain nadirah bukhri said...

Adalah 2-3 tahun. Je. Hahahaha