Saturday, 25 May 2013

Confession #25

At certain points in our lives, there would be times when all you wanted to do was to gaze into a black hole. Something static, something infinity. Walls, ceilings, sky or even sea. You begin to ponder and look back, of all the days and hours that you've been living all these while, and you begin to question yourself.

How did I get here?

True. Some might say that this is indeed, a very simple question, very childish, very immature. But hold your horses and try to imagine this. What you are now is the result of several incidents that had happened in your life, both pleasant and unpleasant. Did it ever occur to you that if and only if, one of these occurences actually ended differently, that you might be someone else? Your life is a maze on a map, different routes were drawn and your decisions to travel down on which road will lead to different ends of your life.

It gives me goosebumps.

It was New Year's Eve, noisy and warm. I look around, smiling crowds and cheering kids playing skateboards. 4 minutes before midnight and not a single happy heartbeat in me. Because I knew it. Any girl could easily see this coming, when texts went unreplied and calls were unanswered. I knew it all along.

" Are you breaking up with me? ". I asked him. 

People were shouting happily around me. All I can see now was a shower of fireworks, thousands of bright colours in the sky. The irony of witnessing something so beautiful, so  mesmerizing, but it became a bitter mark, a life-changing memory. My whole body was shaking. It was probably the worst sight ever in my life, seeing him infront of me, so calm, like he was prepared for this. To confront me, to have this conversation. It looks like he has already practiced this before, his speech. A sugar-coated break-up speech.

" You have to understand, I just need some space. " he answered.

I was convinced, at first. Maybe it is true, you need some space. We were young and wild. The world is a large place to play and we need time for ourselves, to grow up and discover new possibilities. But several months after that, funny when I saw your picture with another girl on a social networking site. Hilarious, to think that I actually believed you, trying to hold on to your empty excuses, lies and promises.

You demanded space, and you got me replaced.

It was hard. The memories were like a two-edged sword. I had nightmares, endless nights trying to figure out where we went wrong. The regrets were swimming in my thoughts, like sharks nibbling my brain, bit by bit until I lose my concious on what is life. But you know what, I survived. It's an apocalypse of love, and I pick myself up, my honour and my dignity.

How long has it been now? Two? Three years? Who said that you gonna lose if you're fighting against love? If it's the right kind of love, then you wouldn't have to fight. I can breathe easily now, I can see life is love itself. My mistake was to shape it, mold it into a human-shaped form. All the bitterness, all the hatred and revengeful thoughts are just mere poison, and I've let it all go. I've set myself free. I can even see you now, talk to you normally. No hard feelings at all, and I'm happy. Can you see how happy I am now?

I'm moving on.

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