Kita Berbeza

Aku pernah bekerja sebagai cleaner semasa aku belajar di Kent. Aku bekerja di tiga tempat; university, private apartment and private residential with three different companies. Sumpah penat, tapi menarik dan bermakna. Alkisahnya, masa aku bekerja di private residential ni, aku diambil untuk jadi cleaner juga di rumah Patricia, salah seorang penghuni di private residential tu. (Patricia ialah seorang nenek kaya yang berusia late 70s to early 80s kot. Dia tinggal seorang diri dan kawasan perumahan tu diuruskan oleh satu syarikat yang menjaga kebajikan penghuni-penghuni). Contohnya: Manager, Lin akan datang pada hari tertentu ke rumah penghuni tertentu untuk bertanya khabar, bawakan newspapers dan sebagainya. Dalam rumah ada bell yang Patricia kata kalau dia ada masalah, terjatuh ke sebagainya, dia tarik bell tu dan ada orang akan datang tolong. Juga, 90% kawasan tu didiami oleh orang-orang tua yang selalu secara random approach aku, komplen pasal cuaca dan sakit-sakit kaki dia. Konklusinya, diorang kalau kau tengok ala-ala geng ‘desperate housewives’. Versi tua.

Ada satu perbualan antara aku dengan Patricia tentang keluarga.

Pat : ‘Are you going back to live with your family once you are in Malaysia for good?’

Aku: ‘Yes. I only have my parents’ house’

Pat : ‘Bet you miss home so much’

Aku: ‘I don’t really know. I do miss home but I know I don’t wanna leave this place’

Pat : ‘Yeah, must be. So, are you going back to work or do you have more years in uni?’

Aku: ‘Oh no, I still have one more year studying and once I have finished I’m going to live with my parents, applying to work somewhere near my family’

Pat : ‘Really?’ with a surprised look. ‘But why? Why do you want to live with your family? I just don’t understand’

Aku: ‘I don’t know. I just miss them and want to spend more time with them, I am a family-girl, I guess’ dan aku senyum.

Pat : ‘Well, you have lived with them for years before you came here. It’s a long 20 years. Don’t you feel tired. Wanna get away?’ ’You are in your twenties and still under their care? Being told what to do. I just don’t get it.

Aku: ‘But, they never tell me what to do. I can make my own decisions’

Pat : ‘Are you sure? You know what, when you’re with your parents. They WILL control you, they WILL interfere in your businesses. There is no such thing of making your own decisions and plans’

Aku terdiam. It was an eye-opener for me. Sebab selama ni aku tak nampak semua tu. Yang aku tahu, aku nak tinggal dengan mak, abah dan adik-adik aku.
Tapi mungkin juga kerana aku sudah terbiasa dengan konteks kekeluargaan di Malaysia. Boleh dikatakan ramai yang masih tinggal dengan keluarga bila sudah bekerja, ramai juga bila sudah berkahwin tinggal dengan keluarga atau keluarga mertua. Sebab lain adalah untuk menjaga ibu bapa yang tua. Ada juga kerana segilintir masyarakat kita tidak percaya akan konsep rumah kebajikan atau rumah orang-orang tua. Mereka lihat dari sudut negatif, tak sayang mak ayah sebab tu hantar ke rumah orang-orang tua dan alasan kolot yang lain. Sebenarnya, kau boleh bayar untuk ibu bapa kau dapat pengurusan yang baik. Kalau anak tak kenang budi, terus tinggal tak jenguk-jenguk mak ayah tu dah jadi kes lain.

Patricia kata, ‘Me as a mother, I wanted my children to get out from my house. Do whatever. When they were 18 and finished school, all I wanted was for them to go out, find their own life. They should live on their own and I was getting tired of them. Having taken care of them for so long, I wanted to rest’

Aku: ‘Ohh really? That is something new. I mean coming out from you, a mother’ Aku sengih, cuba untuk kelihatan bergurau.

Pat : ‘Yes! And they got out. I knew they wouldn’t want me to control them till the end. Annoying innit?’

Aku dan kau mesti faham tradisi masyarakat barat. Tetapi bila mendengar dari mulut seorang ibu sendiri. Fuhh, zasss jugak aku tak percaya.

And the talk over tea went on.

Pat : ‘I wasn’t in love with my late husband when we were married back then. I must say, till the end. I was forced to marry him’ ‘I wanted to study, I dreamt of going to university and stuffs. But I had to get married’

Dan waktu ini aku dah nampak kenapa dia tak sokong the idea of children living with family after they are 18. Sebab dia pernah kena kongkong. Dia tak ada kebebasan untuk tentukan jalan hidup dia. Pengalaman pahit.

Aku: ‘It was like an arranged-marriage then. But some people find it meaningful, don’t you think so?’

Pat : ‘Well, yeah. Might be. I still, think everyone deserves to choose their life partner. You know’

Aku: ‘It isn’t always a bad thing right’ Aku tersenyum kerana aku adalah hasil daripada perkahwinan aturan keluarga mak dan abah.

Patricia gelak kecil. ‘And my married years were something I want to forget’

Kemudian, dia terus menyoal aku tentang Islam, jika perempuan Islam memang wajib kahwin atas pilihan keluarga, samada perempuan Islam tidak boleh membuat pilihan hidup dan tidak ada hak kebebasan bersuara.

Soalan-soalan macam ni dah terlalu banyak diutarakan kepada kami. Aku pernah pergi school-based experience dibeberapa buah sekolah di sekitar Kent dan London, menengah dan rendah. Ramai yang memandang kami (pelajar Malaysia; Muslim, Hindu dan Buddha) sebagai pelik dan menarik. Sikit yang tidak peduli dan ramai yang ingin tahu tentang kami, tentang kita, tentang masyarakat berbilang bangsa di negara kita. Perspektif para pelajar kadangkala sama dengan dengan cikgu cuma cikgu lebih bersikap matang dan professional bila bertanya. Banyak debat tentang Islam dan pandangan mereka selaku British diadakan secara tidak formal, sekadar memberi informasi, memperbetulkan prasangka untuk pelajar-pelajar yang mengambil kelas agama, moral dan citizenship. Kebanyakan mereka membuat generalisation, beranggapan semua negara Islam adalah seperti apa yang sedang berlaku di negara timur tengah dan wanita-wanita Islam dipamerkan di kaca televisyen adalah golongan yang ditindas seperti sesetengah wanita Arab.

Antara soalan-soalan yang agak terkenal:

‘Do you guys live on the trees?’

‘Where is Malaysia?’

‘Are Muslims always fighting?’

‘Is your country, Malaysia at war?’

‘Can Muslim women, in your country, drive?’

‘Is arranged-marriage a must?’

‘Do you have a say in politics? (Referring to women)’

‘Have you ever been verbally abused by men?’

One shot

" Tak adil! Tak adil langsung! ", jerit Sarah.

Cawan berisi kopi pecah bertemu dinding. Serabut lantai putih dengan serpihan kaca biru dan cecair hitam. Bukan salah Sarah, sudah sembilan bulan dia cuba bertenang. Sudah lama dia duduk sambil menghirup kopi panas sambil bermuhasabah diri. Tidak berhasil. Dendam luka lama masih berbisa.

Mata Sarah dipejam perlahan, cahaya dalam rumah hampir hilang kesemuanya ditelan gelap senja. Otak Sarah berpusing, bagai pusingan mesin rumput mencantas segala yang positif, yang tinggal hanya rasa marah. 

Dunia sangat tidak adil. Sangat. 

Pelik, bila difikirkan kembali, mengikut hukum takdir dan karma yang Tuhan tentukan, yang berbuat baik pasti akan dibalas dengan kebaikan, dan yang jahat pasti akan mendapat pembalasan. " Tapi kenapa dia masih bahagia? ", gumam hati Sarah, tangan digenggam seerat mungkin, geram. Kalau mahu tunggu pembalasan hidup, sampai bila? Dia yang ditinggalkan, dia yang terluka, tapi kenapa sekarang dia yang terseksa?

Ada manusia penuh kejahatan yang masih punya maruah berjalan di atas muka bumi, masih tegar menunjuk muka, masih berani bernafas. " Tak sedar diri! ", jerit Sarah. Segala yang berada di atas meja dicampak tepi. Sarah berjalan dalam pusingan, menggeletar bahu menahan segala marah yang terkumpul. Selama ini dia percaya, everything will be alright. The good will always win, and those who have been hurt will heal. Yang jahat pasti akan ke Neraka, mereka yang berbuat onar terhadap manusia lain pasti akan merasa sakit yang sama. Semua kata-kata cliche belaka, mengarut! 

Ah! Persetankan masa, persetankan segalanya. 

Rambut Sarah yang panjang disikat rapi kembali, baju hijau ditukar kepada putih, lipstick merah gelap dicalit sedikit. Jari-jemari panjang Sarah perlahan mengusap butir-butir peluru yang berada di atas meja. Untuk apa menunggu rasa sakit dalam hati hilang, jika kau mampu untuk mengubah keadaan? Untuk apa memaafkan jika pembalasan dendam itu adalah indah? Untuk apa menghalalkan aja segala perbuatan keji si dia jika kau mampu menjatuhkan hukum dengan mudah? 

" It takes only one shot. One shot, and I'll be free. " bisik Sarah sambil tersenyum.

Sincerely, a coward

I like you for a long time. I won’t say very because I had liked someone else way longer than I do to you, but it is still a long time. You don’t know and I will try with all my might and power to never let you know because most of the time I really think it’s better if you don’t know about this.

You know, for me, personally, I like the part where I could fantasize about the what ifs. You see, now, I like to make up ridiculous scenarios in my mind that I know full well won’t ever happen. I don’t like the sound of facing reality because then it would all be crushed into pieces. I don’t think I could recover from the shock if you were to reject me, I don’t think I could even look at your face heck even your silhouette would disturb me if that happened. 

But you know, sometimes I got greedy. My mind wandered off to the most ridiculous what ifs of all what ifs. What if one day, you know about my feelings? Would you be happy? Because if you would, I would love to tell you this. Would you tell me that you share the same feeling? Because if you would, I would love to tell you this. Don’t worry though; I don’t think I will ever have the courage to pull off those kind of stunts so you definitely don’t have to prepare a gentle speech to let me down.

I’m the type that has a crush on someone and just let it be for years without doing anything about it and one day I’ll find someone new for me to crush on and I will get over you when that time comes. The me now thinks that it’s really sad that I will get over you maybe today, maybe this week, maybe this month, maybe this year but the me in the future probably would feel better with crushing on another person instead.

I know that this is pointless and it would lead to nowhere because I’m too much of a coward to say anything or even acknowledge this feeling that I have for you. But, the me now really hopes a miniscule part of you feels the same way and this would not be the same pointless crush,  and I would not get over you today, tomorrow, this week, this month or this year. The me now hopes that the endless loop of hoping will end.

But it really is pointless because in the end I would still do nothing while hoping blindly that you will do something instead.  So for now, just let me be. Like I’ve always been. If you found out about my feeling and you don’t feel the same just let me be  and pretend that you know nothing because maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe this week, maybe this month or maybe this year I will get over you and find someone new.