Love Story

Listen to me

A little girl story

I’m a girl besieged by insecurities

Used to waffles alone

Always vacillate about nonsense things

Worrying even the smallest thing

I care a lot about what other people say

About my contra colour of blouse and shawl

About the way I talk to people

About the way I sit in train

About the way I eat kfc chicken in front of any guys

I will shrink shyly when my friends talk about romance things

They will look at me and give me what-wrong-with-you looks

I will smile like a wacky every time I look at mirror

Pretending that there is some other guy are watching you far

And you saw him from the reflection of the mirror

K

Mindless girl

I went to an ice cream café

Yeah I know many couples would be there

Dear me, bear with it for a moment

Then, I saw a perfect couple

Which means both girl and boy are so good looking

But,

Something were just not right between them

The air around them is heavy and gloomy

Suffocate everyone who looks at them

I pick my ice cream flavour at the same time glance at them

The café staff looks at me and smirk

“It’s completely normal you know”

Heh. Sibuk je.

Ahh, they are fight over something

The girl pointed at the guy phone

And the guy asking the girl to stop

What a waste

I mean hello both of them are pretty

No, I mean the guy is soooo stunning

“Kalau dapat kat aku, aku timang dia tinggi-tinggi”

My thought

I pay my ice-cream and walk out

Dreaming if I ever meet someone like that

Boom

I bumped into something/someone

I don’t know what, but it is a strong figure

Later on, I realize my ice cream already smeared on my face

“God, I’m so sorry”

A man voice with guilty tone

The ice cream already filled my eyes and I can’t open them

But I need to open it no matter what haha

I’m in the middle of people’s walkway

“Hey don’t open your eyes!”

I feel a soft surface wiping my face

Relieved

I try to open my eyes

Ouch

I close my eyes back

I’m facing the sun rays now

But, a hand tries to block the sun rays from radiate my face

I open back my eyes and

OHMYGOD

“Hey, feeling better?”

I froze in my position, stilted

“Hello”

He waved me

He chuckles

“Let me treat you another ice-cream”

Later on, I found myself in the previous café

Chatting with him

A very good looking, nice hearted man

Who acknowledge the insecure me

Well, for now

Bercinta dengan pengguna dadah.

Sayang,
I don't know what went wrong and how to fix it. But I miss you. I rasa kita dah makin jauh. I have so many things to tell you but it seems like we have no time for each other.

I tau you terasa sebab semua benda I cerita dekat cousin you. Nak buat macam mana sayang? Dia faham I and you tak pernah nak dengar setiap kali I ada benda nak bincang.

Sayang,
I know your dirty secrets, I know your past.

Cousin you bagitau you hisap batu. That explains why you selalu ignore I, kenapa you tak tidur and kenapa kadang-kadang you tidur macam dah bertahun tak tidur, kenapa you berpeluh macam mandi, and other signs yang cousin you bagitau.

Sedih. Yes, I am sad sebab cousin you bagitau duit you habis beli batu. No wonder every first week je you dah habis duit. I really don't mind sayang nak simpan duit, nak belanja you and stuff, but yeah sedih lah jugak bila tau kemana duit you habis. Hasbistu, sampai bila pun you tak dapat simpan duit sayang. You kata nak kahwin?

Sayang,
I nangis bila cousin you bagitau sebenarnya you pernah masuk penjara, hampir kena hukuman gantung. But sayang, I really don't mind. Itu zaman dulu.

In my eyes, you are still the perfect man. I accept you for who you are. I love you and your flaws. I tak kisah lah sayang kalau you nak hisap batu pun sebab I tau you pandai jaga diri.

Sayang,
I love you. Remember I told you that you are so perfect and that there's no single word in the dictionary that could describe you perfection? Yayang, you are still perfect.

Help me to fix our relationship, please? Love me. Jangan lah bercinta dengan dadah.Jangan ignore I. Tell me your problems. I should be your drug. Cause remember sayang, you are my THC, my XTC?

To Boys Who Disappear Completely.

There are things that happened in life and we just don't know why they happened. Whether it is for bad or good, or both of it, most of the incidents that happens to you will change you, will shape you into another person, to have another perceptions and ways of thinking. None of those events were insignificant. Countless relationships that begins with the sweetest memories and ended up with reasons that you cannot comprehend. Even when later, you have new people who will stick around and love you until death, you will never forget the ones who breaks you, the one who ask for your heart and devour it with greed, and then leave.

And for that, I would like to say fuck you.

To the boys who disappeared completely.

There are times when I refuse to love again and I feel that my heart is as cold as the deepest ocean, and I blame those boys. I blame them for making me feel the wrath of hell of being heartbroken. I blame those boys who leave because I couldn't stop thinking about all the promises they have made before, and I couldn't accept that people change, for better or for worst. I couldn't accept how bitter I am. Love songs annoys me, couples holding hands making me cringe and I purposely make my life a lot more miserable by caving in from other people. I just...shut it all out.

I couldn't blame myself when people are questioning my bitterness, because of the selfishness I felt in me. They said time will heal all the broken hearts and wounds. But each day, I woke up, sweating, experiencing night terrors of remembering every happy moments I've once had. The feeling is beyond terrifying. It splits myself into two, the one who wanted to be happy again, the one who misses all the explosions of feelings and desires to be someone else's. And there is me, my present self, who just wanted to stay away from the world and protect whatever pieces I have left in me. I refused to let anyone in.

But for that, I would like to say thank you.

To the boys who disappeared completely without a trace.

Because during that moment of bitterness, I have learned to make improvements of myself. I have learn that the ultimate of love is when you learn to love yourself. To accept every disfigured limbs, ugly scars and rain of thoughts. I have learn to be more focus towards my goals in life, to appreciate every single kindness that I have received. Most importantly, I have learn to relate with people, to see straight into their eyes and feel the sadness that they have repressed. Just like me.

The biggest connection between humans is not happiness, but pain. Along the journey of moving on from the trauma of being left by the boys who disappeared completely, I have learn to help others to mend their wounds, and it helps me. I realized that with every broken souls I have met, my sadness didn't matters. Having my revenge doesn't matter too. It wouldn't change anything. I have learned to make use of it to gain a better insight in life. I didn't even feared Death because it is not me who have hurt and murdered the love in others, but you, the boy who disappeared completely.

You're the one who is at lost in life. You're the one who consistently breaking other people's dream and ran away from it. You are a coward. Indecisive, you don't even know what you want. You are just a boy who love to play around without the intention to commit. You are not yet a man, you haven't grow a pair of balls. I would like to see how will you answer before God about your notorious reputations. 

You will be sorry, for disappearing completely, for running away from all the conflicts and mess you've caused. You have rejected your own responsibilities to atleast end it properly. You choose to disappear without a trace. When the time comes, there will be no one for you to ask forgiveness from. And I promised you, when it is time for you to depart with Death, every flashes of every tears of another human you've caused will make you shudder.

Until then dear boys, I wish you the very best in life.